Somebody posted about Jaime in Ateneo Secret FIles..there's this girl saying she saw Jai changing clothes in the men's bathroom and she requested that next time, he should change clothes in front of her.
I don't know about you but I kind of feel homicidal today.
I decided that there's no turning back for me, at least for today. Today is what matters.
But to tell you honestly, when the day ends, I just see myself as a scared child. I'm scared to make mistakes that will make all efforts to be stronger and be who I was before go to waste. This is why I'm threatened by the changes at you claim to have undertaken for your self. Believe me, your company's a stronger motivator and so I will raise my walls a higher.
I'm also terrified that what I'm doing might just be the final fuse to be lit.
I want to keep things the way they are, but then in the back of my head thoughts of how I don't want to be wrong again keep on nagging their way through my consiousness.
I hope when roads become paved down towards wherever they're supposed to go, it will not be too late for me. Or for you. Or for both of us.
Despite the severely tragic events that happen each and every time my mother decides to snoop around and read my personal journals, I have decided to keep one again. The latest tragedy that happened secondary to my mother's insatiable desire to invade every crevice of my personal life was only a month ago, but seeing how a friend writes on his journal every time he thinks of something nice makes me feel a bit jealous.
The adage that goes "There's a fine line between x and y" is something that we always hear and even use in normal everyday conversation. We use this sentence to convey the near-imperceptibility of any difference that may exist between the x and the y we choose to insert in the sentence. Thus the usual things that roll off our tongues like "there's a fine line between love and hate", "there's a fine line between friendship and love", "there's a fine line between respect and fear", or what have you.
It's not unusual for sentences that transform into everyday maxims to get used and abused, causing them to lose the meaning that they were originally meant to have. These adages even gather a multitude of meanings and interpretations as well. I've seen people use the "there's a thin line between x and y" sentence to mean that x and y are two sides of the same coin. Some I've heard use it to mean that x and y are one and the same thing, and that drawing the proverbial line between them is useless, and so it's "thin".
I'm not here to discuss which interpretation or meaning is right. The adage caught my attention because of the meaty part of its meaning which I though was pretty common in all of the possible interpretations for it that I've known, and that is the fact that x and y are two seemingly very different things, but are seen rarely to exist independent of each other. It seems as if substituting two different but related words for x and y would imply that one cannot exist without the other, and it's inevitable for them not to be compared or be in the same setting. It's a yin-yang of sorts. The "line" between them is the balancing force between the perceived "good" and "bad" things made to stand for either x or y. Take love and hate for example. Or friendship and love, Or fear and respect. Chubby and fat, even.
This leads me to think that this sentence is abused because it's human nature to actually make things appear lighter or heavier than they really are, depending on the situation. It's like this sentence is used as a scapegoat---a universal excuse in making it seem like the negative can indeed mix with the positive ALL THE TIME. Sure, there exists gray areas where they can coexist, but this doesn't remove the fact that x and y are two different things that would repel each other when they come in a distance that's as far as a "fine line". It makes things lighter and more convenient because we don't have to choose between the good and the bad. We can go about not making that choice because in our heads, we constructed them in such a way that they can co-exist peacefully all the time, because a the "fine line" is easy to cross and circumvent.
Maybe the want to mix oil with water and the things that we do to fool with the balance of things is one of the reasons why we fall, get smashed and hurt. Maybe this is the reason why we hurt each other. When people say that there's a fine line between love and hate, it's like they're saying, "I can love you, but I can hate you too, because yeah, there's a fine line between love and hate." Sure, it's impossible to feel love all of the freaking time but to choose not to see love because hate is just a half-step away is just plain madness. It is similarly insane to see one willfully jump over the fence between romatic love and friendship over and over again just because it's low and thin.
So my realization and what I'm trying to say is this: X is x. Y is y. X is not Y. Lines are lines, but they should be thick.
If one wants x and y to come together and co-exist, it shouldn't happen at the slightest and breeziest movement. X and y can co-exist; they can occur in a single slice of shared reality for people but the line should be hard to traverse such that there must be a good and sufficient reason for you to try and make them come together.
Why? Because pain and hurt knows no lines and crosses all boundaries.
My dad told me that it's about time that I drove the car with him as a passenger after I rejected his offer a million of times now. He told me that maybe the reason behind my refusal is that I just don't want to be screamed at. Who wants to be screamed at anyway? But I've been around my dad for 23 years for me not to get immune to his hey-look-I-just-swallowed-a-subwoofer booming voice.
You know what I just realized? It's not the screaming that I'm afraid of. It's just that I'm a wuss who can't take salt being rubbed on the wounds that I got from not doing things right and cuts that I got from not being good enough.
Tomorrow, I'll be going to school to pay the first installment of my tuition fee.
Why can't I say to myself that I can bounce back from all this and recover?